A full post (or posts) on my visit follow, but in the meantime, checkout a building (one of many) with incredible architectural detail I managed to snap from the car.

I thought the use of color, in addition to the asymmetric angles of the balconies was a fantastic detail in a country full of color and vibrant life! Of course, I am no architect nor designer, but I likes what I likes…

I am glad someone likes it!

I love the beast – hate the snow…

According to ABC News a guy sued Pepsi (the makers of Mountain Dew) after finding a mouse in his can of yellow sticky caffeinated delicious goodness (for the palate, not ones health.)

These types of suits are apparently quite common, and mostly result in a settlement with a few coupons for more product.

However, in this case, Pepsi has decided to litigate, with their legal case hinging upon the theory that the poor fellow could not have possibly found a mouse in his can of ‘Dew, as according to Pepsi food scientists – had the mouse been in the can from the time of bottling until the date of (near) consumption – the mouse would have been dissolved by the chemicals (acids?) in the Dew!!!

Pepsi quote of the day (no, not their stock quote,) “it would have become “a jelly-like substance.””

My personal pseudo science maintains that the chemicals in beef jerky counteract the chemicals in Dew – making the combined binary solution, a complete and nutritious meal suitable for any road trip of great import.

The trick to EDC is eliminating what is extraneous, multi-purposing what is left, and having just enough to get us out of any situation we might commonly experience. EDC as such, is a highly personal decision. Yes, we all know the guy with a wallet stuffed to the size of a burrito. We all know the guy who is always without whatever vital thing is necessary. For the rest of us, I want to review my new EDC pocketknife – which after two months of testing I am in LOVE with…

Meet the Gerber EAB pocket knife, with replaceable box cutter razor blades. It has completely (for day to day use) replaced my large Spyderco, the alternative CRKT, and even the Benchmade, but not the emergency necker I once in a while carry depending on circumstances.

Pros:
I like the fact that is half or even smaller sized, in comparison to the others I have. I love the fact that I use the blade for a few days, then flip it to the sharp side, and then a few days later toss it out to be replaced by a new razor sharp blade. I love the fact that it is CHEAP. I love that the replacement blades are also CHEAP (7.99 for 200 at Home Depot last week.) I love the fact that it is flat in my pocket. I love that when I pull it out to use with other folks around, they are not intimidated immediately (try that with a police model shiny stainless Spyderco!)

Cons:
Not a defensive blade at all, the user immediately gives up reach length. The clip is flimsy, and prone to breakage from repetitive use (I overlook this due to the overall cost of ownership being so low.) The point is SO sharp and narrow, one does not use it (as we might abuse other knives) for anything other than cutting.

Ok, that might be slightly unfair, you are mostly idiots.

Your store is 2 blocks from my office. For convenience sake, and for those instances where our firm, or I, require something of time sensitivity, off to Staples I go.

Each and every time, I shudder at the mere thought of doing so.

From your craptastic selection of merchandise that is invariably middle of the road (good for you, you appeal to the teeming masses to scrape your profit margins together) to your surly, unhelpful, and often downright rude employees – you make shopping for office supplies an experience on par with having a filling without anesthesia placed into a particularly sensitive molar.

I should add now, that this criticism is most certainly not limited to a single location near my office.

Your location near my home: FABULOUSLY incompetent at the basics of customer service.

Your location near the office I worked at ten years ago, well there was that incident with my purchasing a box of copy paper and stepping in excrement – I kid you not… Someone had taken a steaming poop in the copy paper aisle. Of course, judging by the cleanliness of your washrooms, I might have made the same decision had I really needed to do my business while at your store.

Specifically my complaints are as follows:

1.    Your merchandising selection is dictated I assume, as with most retailers, by a combination of science, whimsy, and kickbacks. This leads to customers like me purchasing an inevitable 70-80% of what we intended to purchase. You do not maximize revenue per customer. Your customer is obligated to visit a second retailer who now has the opportunity to poach 100% of the customer business from you due to other areas of dissatisfaction. Need I mention how disappointed the customer is when they want to go home to play with the kids, kiss the husband/wife, work on the TPS reports their boss demands, go play charades when drunk on cheap brandy – anything other than continuing on shopping for office and school supplies because they went to the store that couldn’t handle all their needs?

2.    Your stores are filthy – just fix it. Make it an employee routine. Hire a third party. Forget my above true story of poop – but seriously, you sell wastebaskets, USE THEM. Thank god you have motion sensitive sliding doors, I certainly wouldn’t want to touch doorknobs less clean than the truckstop bathroom I used at the knockoff 7-11 my wife and I stopped at on I90 during our roadtrip last weekend.

3.    Your employees  – well I suppose I am not a good enough writer to scrawl a perfectly appropriate, hilarious and pithy metaphor here. I was going for something to do with drunken Aeroflot flight crews during a Siberian crossing. I also considered a metaphor such as the TSA agent coming off a three day hangover, but at least Staples employees haven’t physically molested me (although I don’t think that would result in abject shock on my part, just an assault and battery charge being brought.) Seriously, this one goes right up the chain to Mr. Sargent. If one star is what your customer service folks are going for, congrats. If anything beyond that, you fail.

Random observations on employee and customer relations.

a.    Your checkout staff is slow AND incompetent. Both in terms of personnel as well as in terms of your POS (I LOVE that acronym, Point of Sale and Piece of Shxt) system seemingly unable to handle the demands placed upon it by the checkout clerk.

b.    Your stores seemingly have no policy (as do various other retailers) to open additional lanes when there are more than X number of customers queued.

c.    Clearly, the demographics of the staff at the store nearest my office indicate a personnel policy dictated by cost savings, some sort of welfare to work program, and a just-enough minimal staff at all times. I approve heartily of creating jobs programs. I would much rather pay lower taxes supporting welfare. I am a business owner, and do not schedule resources frivolously. However, you need to reexamine your metrics, they are not providing just-enough (unless just-enough, is just enough to keep you in business) customer satisfaction.

d.    Your management is not empowered. The one employee I actually seek out when I visit your store is the AGM of the location. Interestingly, I have NEVER met the GM. Why is that? What the heck happened to leadership as opposed to management. As your AGM is lovely, helpful, and pro-active, why is she not given the power to fire employees who are rude and unhelpful? Why is she not hiring others in her mold? Why does she seemingly not have any pull when it comes to merchandising decisions that would have significant impact in profitability when it comes to the nuances of the local market (in this case, more upscale than store locations 2 miles away?)

e.    While your employees are on-script when it comes to checkouts, do you really think lines recited by rote as prompted by the POS screen are somehow fooling customers into a false sense of sincerity?

Update – the week of 5 September 2011

Staples lost $948.37 of my revenue to OfficeMax. I know this as I am currently creating my expense reports.

To give you an idea of my Staples experience last week:

Tuesday morning the 6th it took me about 7 minutes to gather 430 odd dollars worth of inventory into my cart (and I could not find the $199 hard drive I wanted, or my revenue would have been that much higher.)

After waiting in line with 11 other customers (only one checkout line open) for 12 minutes (I noted the timing as I was in a rush, and already peeved in regards to staffing per original writing above) I asked the joker behind the counter who was absorbed in his phone chat, and computer virus scan, to perhaps (no really, I used my professional pleasant voice) consider opening a register so the backlog of customers could clear out. He ignored me for another 3 minutes after muttering something about rude people under his breath in reply, and then opened a register.

I demanded to speak to the GM, but after waiting for 4 minutes while the rude/clerk/dolt rang me up, and no manager appeared, I left the entire transaction on the counter and walked out to take my business elsewhere (OfficeMax.)

As I made my way to my car, the manager came running through the parking lot to ask me if he could help. I explained my diatribe of complaints in regards to his store in particular, the way I was treated, and how much money he just lost – and merely received stuttering replies. I now know that problems at the local store could be easily addressed by firing the GM, and replacing him with the AGM.

I should also note, that some problems are corporate in nature. I am sure that while the local GM has been VERY poorly handling HR, he is also limited in resource allocation, and can not hire enough dolts to handle the workload (not that more quantity of poor quality would be a curative.)

Interestingly, when relaying this tale to the GM of the OfficeMax store near my home (but not nearly close enough to be truly convenient) he gave me a few insights.

-Apparently, he does have latitude in hiring employees, but not management. i.e. if it works the same way, then the AGM at Staples is saddled with a GM, and vice versa, as a result of corporate decision making. No matter how good she is, and how poor he is, it will take someone from corporate to institute change. Does Staples have a feedback system where they know about the issues at this store? I can tell you (in another posting) that whatever firm they have designing the feedback surveys on their receipts is NOT asking the right questions, nor giving adequate space for additional commentary. I know, I have tried.

-OfficeMax, like Staples, and any other business (and fiscally responsible households) has a resource scarcity and allocation issue. This brings up two points; first, the store has to make due with whatever corporate sees fit to allocate whether HR budget or other. We all have to make choices, but is corporate getting proper BI with which to make these decisions? Second, if we are making due with scant budget, and we are in the midst of a recession/depression why is it so difficult for the manager to hire great employees? In my experience there can be numerous reasons for this, but I speculate that it is an ego/confidence/leadership issue in the case of the Staples store nearest our offices (now, after having met the GM.) Going to the OfficeMax just a bit further down the road, we find fantastic employees. This is not a broad economic/political debate – this is a local management failure.

-OfficeMax saddles its management with sub-par technology, and they expect them to pay from the local store budget for repair/replacement. Those whiz bang nifty handheld stock/inventory/pricing/GIS doodads? They apparently break ALL the time, but since the manager gets dinged $1500 apiece, and this comes out of his store profitability calculations (and thus, his performance pay) he is loathe to address the issues. They have a guerilla employee campaign to circumvent the technology. It works ok, as he (I am saying this) does a fantastic job hiring fabulous folks and leading them. However, someone at corporate better reexamine purchasing technology as a competitive differentiator – when its adoption actually is disincentivized to line employees.

-Almost the exact same comment as above, applied to POS (there is that fabulous acronym again) systems. Apparently, the local store budget is dinged when the credit card scanner (deployed for customer convenience and time saving by swiping their own cards) is broken.
1. They are broken far more frequently (I wound up at OfficeMax 3 times after refusing to go back to Staples over the past week of client meetings,) than they are operational.
2. When they do work, the clerk still asks me to hand over my card for entry of CVV info – thus diminishing my view of the services provided, and negating any time savings.
3. The on-screen instructions are confusing (despite my being a native English speaker, and having used these systems for years.) OfficeMax, you need to upgrade your UI design.

So ends todays office suppliers diatribe. Some interesting knowledge gained by me, some abysmal management, and Staples, you idiots are going to have double work to gain my market share back.

1.    Democrats – those who are devotees of the party, seem to want to lash out at the tea party and Republicans equally. Naturally, they choose whichever is the easier target during the course of any given debate or discussion. Regardless of my personal political differences, I think most of the country is angry because  we remember the basic lesson from kindergarten, it takes TWO to tango. We the people are incensed (to my mind justifiably) with everyone in the political ruling class, not one party or the other, and not with the groundswell of last ditch elected officials who attempt to change the status quo but cant go far enough to fix issues within a broken system. We may be at a point of trying to rebuild the decks while the ship is sinking and on fire all at the same time.

2.    Democrats seem to think that the data they are given is correct, and reliable. They then quote it ad nauseum. Anyone who has ever professionally managed money in the markets knows this to be a fallacy – the ratings agencies lie, the governments numbers are consistently corrected months after the release to reflect the true horror (how come in 18 years of watching the markets I have never seen a correction that says things are better than we previously reported – not once!!!) One can’t even begin a debate on policy, when one can’t rely on the facts, or can reliably not rely on the facts.

3.     There seems to be a lot of democratic angst now expressing outwards in anger and vitriol aimed at the Tea Party. Hilarious to me, and many like me, who feel that the Tea Party was in and of itself a horrid compromise, and miniscule steps better than the established Donkeys and Elephants – but in NO way came close to our view of what should be done to correct this countries ills. If lefties realized how truly far off base the Tea Party was compared to what the large numbers of people who think we are heading to disaster really want to see happen – well it would be instant cardiac events all around. Seriously, increase taxes a few more billion on those who have access to private planes? Balance the budget and keep tax cuts in place? Its all a bunch of stalling actions that in no way will avert disaster when it comes to entitlement spending and unfunded accounts. We were creating this tempest in a teapot regarding miniscule debating points that are rounding errors on the true mess.

4.    SuperCongress? Really? HUH? I don’t want to really open a debate on the move from our current state of fascism (that was not hyperbole, look up the definition if necessary) to a ruling junta – but they aren’t even doing a half assed job on the propaganda side of things. We failed at compromise, so lets put together a small supergroup to push through decisions they have arrived at without even a token nod at representational government. How did the left conclude this was a good idea? Prior to this, I just assumed we all kinda sorta mebbe believed in the concept of our constitution, but approached social and fiscal issues differently. Sure, maybe they wanted more social programs, and I wanted less – but we were all Americans. This one is so far over the line, that I am shaking my head in wonder at which left field it came from. Really, I had NO idea that those who were more Kumbayah than I, were not just different, but alien. This isn’t updating a document (something I would disagree with categorically, thats what amendments are for) this is shredding, burning, and composting the core of our republic.

No great surprises in my posting, I think we are on the road to ruin. I wish it were different. I am happy I don’t have children currently, but weep for my nieces and nephews.

Update note – I wrote this a few days back (pre 9/11) and now post 9/11+10 I am even more disheartened. Apparently, we mourn and remember loss, but now okay the opening of diplomatic relations with the perpetrators of the tragedy by giving them the permission to establish offices in neutral territory. Since when is terrorism (or, in this case, terrorist organizations) a local issue – i.e. not ok in Afghanistan, but ok in Qatar? I seem to recall that the whole thing happened when they brought it to our shores (and the Gulf of Yemen, and Europe, and  Japan) Its GLOBAL you morons! How on gods green earth is this ok? How many lives lost chasing the Taliban from Afghanistan (and I do not approve of that folly anyhow,) how much money spent? Oh, its like Vietnam, unwinnable. I know, lets follow Clinton and make enemies into friends by entering into trade agreements with them. We can’t beat them, lets try the Economic Hitman model.

Maybe, if they are making enough money selling us heroin and opium (don’t get me started, drug wars are another posting) they will forget to include the C4 in those shipments!

Really?

This is the best some agency, internal marketing hacks, or combination thereof, can come up with? They are selling what is the strongest (first amongst losers) attribute of a by (automotive world) definition, amorphous product, using an idiotic and entirely invented phrase?

Heck, I don’t even think the phrase is that completely idiotic (if an idiot like I can figure it out – well, at least it passes the test for being understood by sub-average intelligence consumers,) other than the fact that its slightly pandering in its “cute” factor. It’s the absolute lowest common denominator of advertising that upsets me.  What series of conversations and brainstorming sessions, followed by pitching, approving, refining, and finalizing, leads to a marketing campaign like this being approved?

Why is there no better framework or process in this day and age, to keep marketers and their corporate overlords from crossing the line to vapid stupidity?

Scene: The Pitch Meeting

Our concept is predicated on making up a word that will focus the target consumer on the attributes they are identifying for their next auto purchase.

Ok, that sounds interesting, what do you have in mind?

Gentlemen and ladies, I am proud to introduce your new marketing campaign for the Chevy Traverse, now with Vastpacity!

The story board is a picture of a mom, kids, and miscellaneous juvenile detritus including sporting goods, grocery bags, diapers, and tomato plants – all loading into the back of our new eco-friendly, city hip, crossover!

I love it!

Lets market to the moms who want more room to haul their crap, by using a phrase they wouldn’t be caught dead in public using, for fear of being labeled a shill and cult follower of Chevy, or at least being called stupid! I heartily approve! Buy some media space right now! Lets get this Detroit powered sumbetch revving up our quarterly sales numbers!

I suppose that I don’t have much room to comment, being one of those horrid folks who also thinks Las Vegas and the Superbowl are signs of the downfall of the American empire and our civilization (or what passes for it.)

Really though?

Vastpacity?

We can’t do any better than the modern equivalent of searching for the jingle that through sheer annoying staying power clogs up our sub consciousness? We make up words for attributes, and then slap our bastard sons of the English language up on billboards?

The only thing going for this campaign is the hope that the old saw holds true, “All PR is good PR.”

Congratulations Goodby, your horrific two minutes to load blinky webpage, is matched perfectly by the vapid campaign for the Traverse you birthed.

I see upon a bit of further research, that the line between advertising and corporate for Chevy has been blurred to oblivion. Apparently, the new VP of Marketing, is a former Goodby guy. Yep, the inmates are now running the asylum, on a bill that was footed by the taxpayer, and with results that are inflated for public consumption by cramming inventory that doesn’t move onto dealer accounts sheets!
Too big to fail in the auto industry, seemingly, is doing its darndest to fail again!

No links in this posting – I don’t want to drive traffic to these morons…

If you are watching the markets this morning (and heck, most Americans that watch the market will miss this, as our financial media has chosen not to cover the story in depth,) you may not have seen it. For those who did notice, the Swiss just joined the EU from at least a currency perspective – with all the resulting trade to their currency that might involve, appearing in less than 45 seconds in both the CHF and Gold markets.

Yes, their former interventions may or may not have been failures – and this may be a psychotic double down bet. But I have never known the Swiss to be gamblers. When they play, they are uncreative, uninspired, risk managers – steady, reliable, but not capricious. Never the lunatics on a streak at the table.

-Perhaps it is a desperate double down.

-It might be a political brinksmanship game behind the scenes, we would never (or no time soon) know.

-Perhaps there is some trade afoot that we are unaware of, relying on Gold? Crude at relatively low prices?

A giant WTF? Great trading opportunities, horrific indicators for the global economy.

In Paul’s words, Shalom and I would hit it off socially, but additionally Shalom might be of interest from a business perspective. Wow, was Paul ever right!

Shalom, being the dynamic guy he is, has been to the White House recently (which I might choose to run away from) on a mission to discuss job creation and the real pain the average American is now feeling – especially those out of work. Now, anyone who knows me, will understand my skepticism of someone willing to embrace an administration I loathe – but in Shaloms words to me over dinner a few weeks back, he is apolitical and merely motivated by his mission of getting people back to work, and as such he partners with anyone who might assist in advancing that mission. Without this blog post spiraling downwards into a political diatribe of how I feel the government is actively destroying jobs, I admire Shaloms determination to do everything within his power to advance his admirable cause.

But this is a man who doesn’t just go talk to politicians, he actually takes action, and today that action took the form of The Business Event.

While full details of the amazing series of speakers and presenters can be found by following the link, what was truly inspirational was the turnout – 2700 people as counted by the Skokie Police Department. If there was a criticism to be found in regards to the event, it might be that the venue wasn’t quite capable of handling that volume of attendees! I wound up hiking a fair way to and from my car as parking wasn’t immediately available. Measured in this way, the event was an absolute success.

While Shaloms mission is in getting people back to work, he very much feels that the way of doing so is to provide a platform for businesses to flourish – to the point where they can add staff. The event turned out to be a fantastic mixture of education for attendees (including two sessions from my old friend JD of Owlish Communications,) B2B (business to business) networking, some tradeshow-esque exhibition with a fairly (perhaps overly) diverse set of exhibitors, and interpersonal networking.

Kudos to Shalom and all of his partners for putting this fantastic event together. Perhaps he should consider doing so quarterly!